This is why I should not drink real coffee even though I really like it and even though I feel damn good while drinking it (and even for quite a while after I drink it): after about 6- 10 hours I seem to OVER-FOCUS on ideas, problems, and possibilities (usually dire). and usually this occurs when I would rather be restful and dozing off for the night. It’s happened enough times that it is more than a coincidence. Some kind of rebound effect of caffeine? I should know better by now, but I keep stepping into that same trap every few weeks.
It’s anxiety plus and it don’t make me laugh.
Maybe it helps to know the cause of this active fixation on scaring myself with my imagination in over-drive. As I have learned more about anxiety through the years, it does help to reassure myself that it is more likely a bit of caffeine that is the problem rather than whatever fear-inducing trauma I happen to stumble upon on any particular day.
Usually it is something about my health….which, by the way, seems to be really good (knock on wood, of course); some fear about what could go wrong. All I need is a slightly out of kilter result on a lab test and I’m off to the races. Even though the rest of the results are excellent, I will freak out on the one that is in any way NOT perfect.
Ah, well. This is what I do. And I wouldn’t do it to anyone else. I would be be calm and reassuring and logical and kind.
I can be that way with myself, but caffeine makes it difficult to stop the spinning wheels in whatever part of the brain that spins.
What is the worst that can happen? I don’t even want to know.
What is the best that can happen? I can relax into what is going on right now.
Grappling with a future unknown is impossible and a person could sprain something trying to do that.
…..and trying to convince myself that nothing can ever go wrong? That task is ridiculous. It’s like trying to teach a cat to bark.
Plus, it’s ungrateful of me. So many good things and people in my life.
So I look around and see the street light outside my bedroom window.
I hear the crickets and the easy sound of far-a-way traffic on the highway.
I breathe in the fresh summer air.
I notice that I feel good.
And I resolve to be more circumspect in my choice of beverage.
And I turn away from thoughts that have no resolution.
Because the future does not exist right now
…and I can’t make everything guaranteed to always be okay.
It is not a possible thing.
The fact is, though I may try and try,
that cat won’t bark.