January 1, 2018

It is January 1, 2018 and it has arrived right on time.

It is the first day of my retirement and so far, so good. I’m looking forward to not having to go to work tomorrow and driving in the zero degree weather and blizzardy snow. I am currently grateful for that and for a furnace that works and a husband who made it so as I take the first steps onto this next path.

And I calmly ask: WHAT CAN HAPPEN?!!!!

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A Mish Mash

Haven’t written much lately. And I don’t know why!  Life is good.  Went to Italy in March and broke my wrist on the way down Mt Vesuvius.  I hadn’t even walked all the way up! Ah, I knew that volcano would get me.

It was a wonderful and amazing trip (pardon the pun) in spite of that unwanted event.

I loved Italy and the coffee they served and the way that they served it.  And I have stories about the joys of traveling with my husband, and my daughter and her husband (who guided us with great care and patience), and the wonderful people we met and finding and visiting my grandparents home village.

So why don’t I write about all that in detail? 

Meanwhile, I am getting ready to retire in January and I am thrilled and slightly terrified by the whole thing.  I will miss the people and the structure of work and the details of my job and being necessary to the whole mission.  I will also be elated to not have to attend to all those details and not being necessary to the whole shebang.  I will miss the very things I do not currently wish to do.  It’s such a mixed bag of emotions and expectations.

The very things I love are sometimes the very things I do not love.

What can happen?

 

 

Marching by Myself

I felt light yesterday

the sun shone and called me away

Today jumped in and turned it all inside out

the sun lurked sullenly behind the rain clouds

and it’s not easy to have the sun out there

all lurk-y and sullen

just beyond reach

And it’s not easy to be at odds with it all

marching to a different drummer

every

single

time

 

 

Kicks

 I’m consistently trying to figure things out

I wonder and wander through pages of doubt

After resolving an issue or two

Seventeen others arise into view

It’s exasperating and challenging and stupid and fun

with all sorts of emotions rolled into one

Mostly, I’m grateful for how things unfold

It could all wind up tragic

if truth would be told

Surely that’s life

It goes up

It goes down

My goal is to greet it with less of a frown

We are all kinds of brave as we face-off each trial

and our arms are wide open as life kicks us a smile

 

 

 

Back to Peace

Wake up happy

Wake up sad

Think of all the good we had

Why spend so much time feeling bad?

Sometimes sad just seems to find me

Grabs me up and takes me down

Shakes me up and lets me frown

In random moments I remember

to bring my thoughts away from me

Do something fun or complicated

Let time pass with concentration

and trust I will get back to peace

 

On Mother’s Day

Time goes clacking along

Day after day after day

It clacks and carries on

As if I am not even here

And yet, I am

 

 

What is the Point?

Sketchy at best

Unpredictable and blurry

All the ways we are blessed

Can be gone in a hurry

And yet we persist

and we try not to worry

(which, by the way, is not an easy task)

Still,  what is the point?

(I almost forgot to ask)

since life is what we have 

all amazing and quirky

Is it all about making

really good soup

and meeting who you meet

and running through snow

in your stocking feet?

(which you might want to try if you ever get the chance)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be

I sense somehow

that I censor myself

so no-one can find out

But I don’t know

what it is

they might discover

When I just relax

and let it be

I tend to arrive

much closer to me

 

 

How About Now

When will I be so collected

as to be somewhat unaffected

by the uncertain and unexpected

When will I ever just accept it

Whether vulnerable or well-protected

Grasping the Cha Cha Cha

Something happens once you pass sixty years old.  Speaking for myself, you become more in tune with…..with…absolutely nothing.  Or at least it feels that way sometimes.  I keep waiting to become more in tune, but I’m 62 (or 63) now and I am still off-key and often tone deaf.

Any moment now all the wisdom and ease and acceptance should be kicking in.  Any moment now.  And yet…

I don’t even really get the cha-cha-cha step.  How is it done?  I see it – I observe the motion — I cannot grasp it in practice.  So how can I be expected to grasp the intricacies of existence?

It’s not that I’m giving up.  I won’t give up on the possibility of genuinely internalizing the wisdom I’ve come upon through the years.  I still believe I will grasp it on more than an occasional basis and it will enable me to just live; live, without all the second guessing and frantic speculation and bru-ha-ha.  But will I cha-cha?  I do not know.  I believe it could happen.