Category Archives: Ruminating

From a day in September 2016 or Non lo so

Today I wonder if I will ever just relax

I wake up in the morning feeling tired

Go to bed feeling the same way.  

I ain’t nuthin’ but tired.  Yeah, I’m just tired and bored with myself.  Hey there baby I could use. just a little help

Wait, I just lapsed into a Bruce Springsteen song.

Meanwhile, I dreamed I had to maneuver through lot of obstacles to get somewhere — rocky stuff and hills that a person could easily fall off of and I seem to have made it through; but what was the point?  I do not know.  

Maybe it was that you can make it through the things you see as trouble.

You are strong.  It’s not that the obstacles won’t be there.  It’s that you will handle it.

Maybe it was a psychic thing — a few months after that dream, I broke my wrist on Mount Vesuvius! And I handled it!  Coincidence?  Non lo so.

 

 

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Sewing Things Up

I stopped writing each day

and I gained weight and felt sad

Coincidence?  Likely.

But worth a shot to get back into the routine

All I need is a line a day

 

Snow Angel?

On a winter’s day

Lost in the perpendicular peripherals

Tripping over clutter and chaos

and finding my way back to the center

I wonder if…

Accounting Principals from cake

I wonder if retiring in the winter was such a good idea as a little cabin fever is creeping in.  Maybe it’s okay, though.  It is definitely a time to lay low and relax a bit….and a time to recuperate from a cold.  And maybe more importantly, a time to recuperate from the somewhat unnecessary scramble to wrap things up at work while preparing things for the transition from me to my replacement; all of which was actually stressful and difficult. I allowed other people’s poor planning to become my problem.   I won’t miss facing that particular situation. 

I wonder if I learned anything from that experience.  I feel a certain disappointment that my recommendations went unheeded…would have been a smoother transition, I do believe.  Ah, well…..it is what it is and they are what they are and I am what I am.

I wonder if I will pursue a part-time job in this retirement phase.  Ah, honey, I do not know.

I wonder if I will get started now with more “arty” pursuits.  I received a gift certificate for the Kalamazoo Institute of the Arts …. so I can take a class sooner or later.  Meanwhile, time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future….which means spring is on the way and that is a good thing to anticipate. 

I wonder if I will be okay, be okay, be okay.  I say it could happen!

(“So many things I wonder.” — part of a song from Mixed Nuts movie)

 

I DON’T

Day fifteen of my retirement

and I am still a bit too concerned about what kind of problems are being had……

…….without me there

I have to keep reminding myself

I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE!

And I feel good about that fact, but I’m carrying on with a residual sense of responsibility for it all

I’ve had a few calls from them with questions and I’ve provided answers

and I worry that my answer might not be good enough

but I don’t want to get drawn back in because

I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE!

And I blame only me — not them– for the fact that I still feel some angst about the whole thing

They can ask anything.  I’m the one with the choices

and I can answer, or not, because

I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE!

…..and for my mental and emotional and physical health,

I need to just relax for awhile

and get over this cold, and see what unfolds

as I head down this uncharted road

I have shouldered a lot of responsibility for a hell of a long time

I gave (literally) years of notice as to when  I would be retiring.

I have earned the right to say no and if I hadn’t or haven’t,

it’s still not up to me to fix anything because

I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE!

And the people in charge might actually not be expecting anything more of me

This could be all in my own head

because they may understand even better than me that

I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE!

 

Be Okay–starting now

 

fullsizeoutput_a57see me

be

disconsolate

and

weary

even though

there is so much to be happy about

and so much that I appreciate

what is the deal?

why not just be okay while I am okay?

okay.

 

She

She, they all said at her funeral,

was strong and carried on without complaint

     in the face of adversity.

Dealt with difficult times

     with admirable stick-to-it-iveness and optimism.

She, they all said at her funeral,

     loved life and traveling and painting.

What might they say about me

     in some future and similar scenario?

She, they might say at my funeral

     was strong and complained fairly often

          in the face of adversity.

Dealt with difficult times

     with stubborn resistance and eventual acceptance.

She, they might say at my funeral,

    loved life and staying home and writing

and watching Netflix

 

 

 

SLEEP is a word that looks funny to me at the moment for some reason

Good Night, Gracie

Insights abound

and perspectives are found

and still I find myself thinking around

       in circles and tangents in more than one bound

Awakened abruptly mid-sleep in my bed

and wondering where all the insights have fled

and why do I still get these feelings of dread

with unwelcome thoughts that pop into my head

Ah, well, it’s a cycle, it’s a pendulum swing

Last night I was laughing a lot in a dream

An optimistic upheaval; a paradigm shift?

A chance that I’m finally catching the drift?

Look at these thoughts that give me no clue

and the awful imaginings that have seldom rung true

See them clearly for the imposters they are

Seemingly logical, yet impossibly vague

Midnight meanderings are usually wrong

That’s a real thing that some scientist said

Not at your best when lying down half asleep

Counting back from a hundred with some rag-taggled sheep

Practice relinquishing future prediction

What a collection of unvarnished fiction!

This is a welcome and pure benediction

Say goodnight; give way to sleep’s jurisdiction

Marching by Myself

I felt light yesterday

the sun shone and called me away

Today jumped in and turned it all inside out

the sun lurked sullenly behind the rain clouds

and it’s not easy to have the sun out there

all lurk-y and sullen

just beyond reach

And it’s not easy to be at odds with it all

marching to a different drummer

every

single

time

img_5795

 

 

Yesterday

I have an element

I am not currently in it

It is somewhere I have been

It is somewhere I aspire to be again

Meanwhile, I will be where I am

and soak it up because I can