Category Archives: Thinking out loud

I will help you reach spiritual, ethereal heights and you can pay me by the month.

I have given yoga a break and I do feel the loss as far as the structure and consistency.

It was definitely a great way to build strength and balance and I am grateful to my yoga instructor…

……and yet… after about four years, I found myself becoming increasingly impatient with the whole thing;

I felt somewhat annoyed that I mostly didn’t feel centered and calm and deeply moved at the appropriate times.

And the hour sessions were long!

I finally started wearing a watch because it helped me deal with the timing of it better —  –felt a little disturbing to not know how much time remained in the session.  (Don’t they deprive people of a sense of time in order to punish them or make them talk — give with the information?)

I wanted to feel more enlightened instead of slightly skeptical about the presentation – some things seemed just made up and I had to ask how is it possible to breathe into my thigh or some equally impossible task.

I still do some yoga on my own as part of daily exercise; because I think it has value but it got to be an expense I couldn’t justify . “I will help you reach spiritual, ethereal heights and you can pay me by the month.” Our yoga instructor taught me a lot and of course she deserved to get paid but there was an unnecessary pretense of being above all the economic realities.

Note:  One thing that would have made yoga less appealing would be to have a goat jump on my back.

 

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Probably

My daughter is 41 years old!!!  

Which, by my calculations,

makes me a touch older,

truth be told.  

It seems unlikely….and yet…there it is —

I am in a new age category, and gee whiz

though I feel grateful as I write this text

because I like seeing what will happen next 

I’m also kind of a ‘fraidy cat

so I peek around the corner to see where I’m at

and although nothing is ever quite crystal clear

it turns out I’m standing, still standing right here

in the middle

of the beginning

of the rest of my life

A good place to be

Probably

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From a day in September 2016 or Non lo so

Today I wonder if I will ever just relax

I wake up in the morning feeling tired

Go to bed feeling the same way.  

I ain’t nuthin’ but tired.  Yeah, I’m just tired and bored with myself.  Hey there baby I could use. just a little help

Wait, I just lapsed into a Bruce Springsteen song.

Meanwhile, I dreamed I had to maneuver through lot of obstacles to get somewhere — rocky stuff and hills that a person could easily fall off of and I seem to have made it through; but what was the point?  I do not know.  

Maybe it was that you can make it through the things you see as trouble.

You are strong.  It’s not that the obstacles won’t be there.  It’s that you will handle it.

Maybe it was a psychic thing — a few months after that dream, I broke my wrist on Mount Vesuvius! And I handled it!  Coincidence?  Non lo so.

 

 

Sewing Things Up

I stopped writing each day

and I gained weight and felt sad

Coincidence?  Likely.

But worth a shot to get back into the routine

All I need is a line a day

 

Snow Angel?

On a winter’s day

Lost in the perpendicular peripherals

Tripping over clutter and chaos

and finding my way back to the center

I DON’T

Day fifteen of my retirement

and I am still a bit too concerned about what kind of problems are being had……

…….without me there

I have to keep reminding myself

I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE!

And I feel good about that fact, but I’m carrying on with a residual sense of responsibility for it all

I’ve had a few calls from them with questions and I’ve provided answers

and I worry that my answer might not be good enough

but I don’t want to get drawn back in because

I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE!

And I blame only me — not them– for the fact that I still feel some angst about the whole thing

They can ask anything.  I’m the one with the choices

and I can answer, or not, because

I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE!

…..and for my mental and emotional and physical health,

I need to just relax for awhile

and get over this cold, and see what unfolds

as I head down this uncharted road

I have shouldered a lot of responsibility for a hell of a long time

I gave (literally) years of notice as to when  I would be retiring.

I have earned the right to say no and if I hadn’t or haven’t,

it’s still not up to me to fix anything because

I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE!

And the people in charge might actually not be expecting anything more of me

This could be all in my own head

because they may understand even better than me that

I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE!

 

January 1, 2018

It is January 1, 2018 and it has arrived right on time.

It is the first day of my retirement and so far, so good. I’m looking forward to not having to go to work tomorrow and driving in the zero degree weather and blizzardy snow. I am currently grateful for that and for a furnace that works and a husband who made it so as I take the first steps onto this next path.

And I calmly ask: WHAT CAN HAPPEN?!!!!

Befuddled

I want to get back to the mind set when I was a kid and didn’t worry about who got elected and what could go wrong because of it.

I would like to be informed but detached from the outcome.

Bewitched, bothered and befuddled am I!

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Now–Addesso

This could be the last best moment of my life

all mixed up in love and strife

This is true

all mixed up with what we knew

Every moment

all mixed up with calm and torment

Probably a good idea to relax and enjoy what is

all mixed up in angst and bliss

Right now

all mixed up in why and how

 

Pet Peeve

Just read some entries on a blog by someone else

Trying to expand my worldview a little way beyond myself

and the tone seemed to be mocking and condescending

A most superior person with each and every answer and opinions unending

who can barely tolerate anyone who thinks differently

or has a conflicting take on situations and how things could be

Seems so judgmental while criticizing others for being judgmental

I get the judging part and I think it’s fundamental

People do judge, will judge and occasionally must judge

but how about this?  This is an opinion of mine that won’t budge

Knock off the judging under the guise of having an open mind

while trashing anyone who won’t tow the party line