Category Archives: wondering and pondering

Probably

My daughter is 41 years old!!!  

Which, by my calculations,

makes me a touch older,

truth be told.  

It seems unlikely….and yet…there it is —

I am in a new age category, and gee whiz

though I feel grateful as I write this text

because I like seeing what will happen next 

I’m also kind of a ‘fraidy cat

so I peek around the corner to see where I’m at

and although nothing is ever quite crystal clear

it turns out I’m standing, still standing right here

in the middle

of the beginning

of the rest of my life

A good place to be

Probably

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From a day in September 2016 or Non lo so

Today I wonder if I will ever just relax

I wake up in the morning feeling tired

Go to bed feeling the same way.  

I ain’t nuthin’ but tired.  Yeah, I’m just tired and bored with myself.  Hey there baby I could use. just a little help

Wait, I just lapsed into a Bruce Springsteen song.

Meanwhile, I dreamed I had to maneuver through lot of obstacles to get somewhere — rocky stuff and hills that a person could easily fall off of and I seem to have made it through; but what was the point?  I do not know.  

Maybe it was that you can make it through the things you see as trouble.

You are strong.  It’s not that the obstacles won’t be there.  It’s that you will handle it.

Maybe it was a psychic thing — a few months after that dream, I broke my wrist on Mount Vesuvius! And I handled it!  Coincidence?  Non lo so.

 

 

I wonder if…

Accounting Principals from cake

I wonder if retiring in the winter was such a good idea as a little cabin fever is creeping in.  Maybe it’s okay, though.  It is definitely a time to lay low and relax a bit….and a time to recuperate from a cold.  And maybe more importantly, a time to recuperate from the somewhat unnecessary scramble to wrap things up at work while preparing things for the transition from me to my replacement; all of which was actually stressful and difficult. I allowed other people’s poor planning to become my problem.   I won’t miss facing that particular situation. 

I wonder if I learned anything from that experience.  I feel a certain disappointment that my recommendations went unheeded…would have been a smoother transition, I do believe.  Ah, well…..it is what it is and they are what they are and I am what I am.

I wonder if I will pursue a part-time job in this retirement phase.  Ah, honey, I do not know.

I wonder if I will get started now with more “arty” pursuits.  I received a gift certificate for the Kalamazoo Institute of the Arts …. so I can take a class sooner or later.  Meanwhile, time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future….which means spring is on the way and that is a good thing to anticipate. 

I wonder if I will be okay, be okay, be okay.  I say it could happen!

(“So many things I wonder.” — part of a song from Mixed Nuts movie)

 

Standing, Still

This is where I am

Here and now

Icy predictions

cannot deter me

I am one among many

We carry on

in the face of

considerable opportunities

for dire consequences

Impressive

if you think about it

 

 

 

It Occurs to Me….

It occurs to me

That I need not be

Accountable on any date

For every possible twist of fate

Responsibility has its place

And doggedly persevering

can win the race

But….

Advice to me was recently given

That there’s a time in space

For being driven

And…

This is something good to know:

There is also a time to

LET. IT. GO.

January 1, 2018

It is January 1, 2018 and it has arrived right on time.

It is the first day of my retirement and so far, so good. I’m looking forward to not having to go to work tomorrow and driving in the zero degree weather and blizzardy snow. I am currently grateful for that and for a furnace that works and a husband who made it so as I take the first steps onto this next path.

And I calmly ask: WHAT CAN HAPPEN?!!!!

A Mish Mash

Haven’t written much lately. And I don’t know why!  Life is good.  Went to Italy in March and broke my wrist on the way down Mt Vesuvius.  I hadn’t even walked all the way up! Ah, I knew that volcano would get me.

It was a wonderful and amazing trip (pardon the pun) in spite of that unwanted event.

I loved Italy and the coffee they served and the way that they served it.  And I have stories about the joys of traveling with my husband, and my daughter and her husband (who guided us with great care and patience), and the wonderful people we met and finding and visiting my grandparents home village.

So why don’t I write about all that in detail? 

Meanwhile, I am getting ready to retire in January and I am thrilled and slightly terrified by the whole thing.  I will miss the people and the structure of work and the details of my job and being necessary to the whole mission.  I will also be elated to not have to attend to all those details and not being necessary to the whole shebang.  I will miss the very things I do not currently wish to do.  It’s such a mixed bag of emotions and expectations.

The very things I love are sometimes the very things I do not love.

What can happen?

 

 

I Don’t Know Anything

I just read  a post on Facebook from an expert.  I think she makes a good point, but it got me to wonder if such commentary helps anything.  She was talking about the fact that racism is taught and it is not innate and it is obviously illogical and she instructed people to knock it off.  As if that statement will solve the problem and dense people will suddenly see the light.   Another post said, basically, let’s have world peace day today — which is an excellent idea but the people patting themselves on the back for participating in world peace day are not the ones causing the violence in the first place.

People seem to love it when someone states the obvious — treating it as if it were oh-so-profound.  Maybe I’m being cynical but for crying out loud:  if people stop being racist that would be lovely but that’s not all there is to it.  There are unkind people who use any excuse to gain power and are not persuaded by catchy phrases.  Get me — stating the obvious.

Peace and harmony can be affected and increased by each individual; I do believe that.  But scolding people on Facebook seems kind of ridiculous; the people who need to hear it are not likely to embrace the thing.  What’s the point then?  Is it so someone can say, “Aren’t I good?   I am joining world peace day!”  Otherwise, what?  You were going to go be violent?

Ah, well…..just feeling aggravated by the simplistic, somewhat pious commentaries.   If it helps people, though, who am I to say?  Maybe it all really will make a positive difference.

Peace.

 

 

 

 

SLEEP is a word that looks funny to me at the moment for some reason

Good Night, Gracie

Insights abound

and perspectives are found

and still I find myself thinking around

       in circles and tangents in more than one bound

Awakened abruptly mid-sleep in my bed

and wondering where all the insights have fled

and why do I still get these feelings of dread

with unwelcome thoughts that pop into my head

Ah, well, it’s a cycle, it’s a pendulum swing

Last night I was laughing a lot in a dream

An optimistic upheaval; a paradigm shift?

A chance that I’m finally catching the drift?

Look at these thoughts that give me no clue

and the awful imaginings that have seldom rung true

See them clearly for the imposters they are

Seemingly logical, yet impossibly vague

Midnight meanderings are usually wrong

That’s a real thing that some scientist said

Not at your best when lying down half asleep

Counting back from a hundred with some rag-taggled sheep

Practice relinquishing future prediction

What a collection of unvarnished fiction!

This is a welcome and pure benediction

Say goodnight; give way to sleep’s jurisdiction

Marching by Myself

I felt light yesterday

the sun shone and called me away

Today jumped in and turned it all inside out

the sun lurked sullenly behind the rain clouds

and it’s not easy to have the sun out there

all lurk-y and sullen

just beyond reach

And it’s not easy to be at odds with it all

marching to a different drummer

every

single

time

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